ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
