Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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