Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize