I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
