My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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