youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
