there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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