A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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