I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
