im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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