fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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