Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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