He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
