What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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