Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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