If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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