dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
