I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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