I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
