i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's always time for handjobs
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
