I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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