P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
