then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize