i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
