Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wear drunk well.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize