He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
