there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize