onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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