As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
