If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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