belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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