my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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