Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
