my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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