My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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