I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
