ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
