fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
