it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
