I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
