Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she woke up with a sticky ear
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
