Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize