You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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