just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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