You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize