You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
