he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
