she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
