Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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