We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
