she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
