its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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