brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
