oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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