so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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