We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My penis needs a shock collar
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
