Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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