I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize