I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
