I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
