I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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