what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
