We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
