Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
