I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
